When it comes to trauma recovery, the name of the game is finding much needed relief and deep healing from things nobody should have to endure. Often, the first thing that well-meaning people suggest is that the trauma survivor ought to go to therapy in order to get this needed help.

In a perfect world, one where all therapists are trauma-sensitive, going to therapy might be fabulous advice, and most survivors would probably feel gradually increasing relief with regular therapy sessions. However, it can be exceedingly difficult to find therapists who are qualified to truly help people process trauma in healthy ways.

When a therapist is not trauma-sensitive, it is common for people to experience an increase in trauma response symptoms following sessions, rather than a decrease. Insomnia might intensify. Panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation and other symptoms might also increase. People can remain in this incredibly triggered place for hours, days, weeks, months or even years after working with one or more professionals who are not proficient in helping with trauma processing. Many survivors go from one therapist to another for years on end, in hopes of finding relief, but instead consistently find themselves worse off than they were prior.

In short, the survivor is experiencing a dramatic uptick in fight, flight, freeze and/or fawn responses that developed as a way to help them survive their traumas. Instead of finding relief, their brains believe they are in danger, still in their root traumatic experiences. They become retraumatized and then find themselves with additional trauma from how these inappropriately trained mental health professionals respond to their struggles.

Many survivors suffer alone with these symptoms, believing that there is no other way. The toll on themselves and their families is devastating. When they do bring up concerns with a therapist who is not trauma-sensitive, they might be told that they have to be patient and suffer through these symptoms before they can make progress. Or, the therapist insists on speaking in person when that feels unsafe or undesirable to the survivor.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Trauma processing through therapy does not have to be terribly intense in order to be effective.

In no other medical setting would we be okay with an approach to care that says that harm is okay. Can you imagine going to the doctor for a broken arm and having them break it further and send you on your way, instead of putting it in a cast? What if the doctor determined that you have strep throat, but instead of offering needed medicine, tells you to suffer through it because it will get better on its own? Or, how about having an appendix that needs to come out, but the doctor refuses to perform the needed surgery?

For sure, there are instances of fatphobia, racism and other forms of discrimination where people receive improper care at the doctor, but in general we know it is not supposed to be that way. We label it as malpractice and do not think of it as a good thing. Yet, somehow when it comes to mental health care for trauma survivors, this is often not the case, and that is horribly tragic.

Science has shown us that the pain receptors for physical and emotional pain are essentially the same. The brain does not really distinguish between the two. When we recognize this truth, it becomes crystal clear just how inhumane it can be to be for mental health providers to expect trauma survivors to live in excruciating pain instead of trusting their pain reporting and offering appropriate pain relief.

This is why it does not always make sense for every survivor to go to therapy. It can be challenging to find appropriately trained therapists who understand the delicacy and tenderness needed in working with trauma survivors. When a survivor does find an appropriately trained therapist, their services can be cost prohibitive, keeping help out of reach. Many survivors also lack resources, transportation, child care and other necessities, which makes therapy with an appropriately trained trauma therapist nearly impossible to obtain.

That being said, trauma-informed therapy is sometimes possible. In addition to interviewing a therapist about their background in trauma training, you might look for the following signs of a good therapist:

• Therapy feels gentle, without repeated emotional triggers or long recovery periods.
• The therapist avoids encouraging narrative work and revisiting, which can be retraumatizing.
• Short-term need for some enjoyable rest following sessions is to be expected, but long-term exhaustion is not.
• The therapist is skilled in pacing therapeutic work so that it feels safe and is not activating.
• The therapist does not force particular modalities like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing if it is not right fit or the right timing for the client.
• The therapist does not rush progress, but is able to affirm progress as it unfolds naturally.
• The therapist is open to feedback and adjusts their approach to meet client needs.
• The therapist focuses on grounding at the end of sessions and aims for a feeling of relief after each session, rather than an intensification of symptoms.
• The therapist focuses on the client’s goals and where they want relief first.
• The therapist encourages the client to seek out other appropriate modalities like neurofeedback, HRV biofeedback, Alpha-Stim interventions and more.
• The therapist encourages boundary setting on the part of the client.
• The therapist encourages the client to trust themselves and the signals their mind and body send about what is working or not working in therapy.
• The therapist is knowledgeable and has appropriate training on things like CPTSD, DID and more.

This list is only a small snapshot of what it can feel like to work with a therapist who is trauma-sensitive and it is not all inclusive, by any means. The general guideline is that a therapist ought to encourage overall relief and reevaluate or refer out when this is not possible.

When it is not possible to find a good trauma-sensitive therapist, this does not mean that healing is not possible. Trauma survivors can take great hope in the reality that healing occurs in a wide variety of ways for people, depending on their unique stories and needs. From neurofeedback and biofeedback, to modalities like Qigong, artistic endeavors, or therapeutic theatre projects, the options are many.

If you have a friend or family member who is a trauma survivor and is struggling, especially over long periods of time and despite repeatedly seeking help from mental health practitioners, please understand that it is most likely not their fault. So many therapists and other mental health practitioners simply do not understand how to help people without retraumatizing them.

If you are a survivor who has gone on this rollercoaster yourself, please also know that you are not at fault and you are not alone. You are worthy of compassionate, trauma-sensitive care that leaves you feeling relief at the end of sessions. You have already suffered enough in living through your trauma(s), and your professional care should relieve that suffering instead of contributing to it. It is okay to say no to a therapist, to try different therapists, and even to walk away and try something else altogether if things are not working for you.

If you are in a larger body, chances are good that going to the doctor hasn’t always been an enjoyable experience for you. Go in for a sore throat? They prescribe weight loss. Sprained wrist? Lose some weight, of course. Diabetes diagnoses? Weight loss is the first line of treatment. Practitioners often do not know, let alone communicate, that weight is not a good indicator of health or that losing weight is the greatest predictor of future weight gain.

Unfortunately, this fat shaming and discrimination can be traumatic. It often feels more humane to stay home and ignore health needs than to face dehumanization and triggers in a physician’s office.

Dear fat friends, we are worthy of loving, caring, inclusive medical care! Our physicians work for us, not the other way around. We do not have to accept discrimination and trauma triggers as a given when it comes to our medical care.

The Association for Size Diversity and Health (ASDAH) maintains a directory of physicians and other professionals who practice from a Health at Every Size (HAES) perspective. Lindo Bacon maintains a wealth of resources and information for you and for your providers. Mosaic Comprehensive Care has drafted a practitioner letter to help you advocate for the care you want and need. Consider using these resources, not only as a reminder of what is true when it comes to weight, but also as a way to advocate for yourself in medical settings.

When searching for compassionate and inclusive medical care, remember that you can interview physicians before you agree to an exam. Look for the following things in a size-inclusive provider:

• They do not believe that you can judge health based on weight.
• They do not believe that you can judge nutrition based on weight.
• They do not believe that you can judge activity level based on weight.
• They do not advertise weight-loss services.
• Chairs are size inclusive, with armless options available.
• Appropriately sized blood pressure cuffs are available.
• Stepping on the scale is not pressured or required during appointments.
• They believe in enjoyable movement, not exercising to change your body.
• They believe in eating for well-being, not to change your body.
• They are respectful of your boundaries and treat you with kindness.
• Consent is valued as integral to quality medical care.
• They understand trauma and how to provide trauma-sensitive care.
• They understand the harm caused by diet culture.
• They understand eating disorder recovery and are sensitive to the needs of people in recovery.
• They value mental health as integral to overall health.

Consider having a few pocketed responses for troubles you might encounter in a non-HAES medical environment. For instance, you might say, “I don’t do that,” when asked to step on the scale. Or, if your provider is suggesting weight-loss as a treatment, you might ask them what treatments they would prescribe to a thin person with the same diagnosis. You are also free to get dressed and leave a medical appointment at any time.

You might also consider your self-care strategies in advance. Perhaps you can schedule an appointment with a therapist or coach for immediately following your appointment. Maybe you can bring an HRV biofeedback device with you, to help ease stress and increase your ability to advocate for yourself. If you have a service animal, maybe ask for some deep pressure therapy or focus on doing tasks with them while you wait for the doctor and after you leave. Consider bringing a HAES-friendly loved one or friend as added support and as an additional person who might advocate on your behalf.

Also, if now is not the time for you to make that next medical appointment because of how past trauma is impacting you, know that you are not alone. Medical trauma is epidemic for those of us in fat bodies and it can take time to process your experiences with doctors and hospitals. Trauma-sensitive coaching with a HAES practitioner can help you navigate what you have experienced. So can modalities like HRV biofeedback, where you learn to transform stress into resiliency, or neurofeedback, where your brain processes trauma without revisiting or retraumatization. Healing is possible for you, and you are worthy of a community of people who will support you on that journey.

I am so excited to have a guest post for you today, coming from our service dog trainer, the fabulous Donna Rogers at K-9 Capers Dog Training Academy. With her help, Keiko has learned tasks to help mitigate my disabilities and even trained to fly to California with me for work training and a trip to Disneyland.

While we’re on the subject, are you looking for something fun to do while we’re all stuck inside due to the COVID-19 pandemic? How about a little trick trainining with your favorite pooch? Check out Donna’s fun and free opportunity on her Facebook page today and jump into the fun.

Without further ado, check out this info from Donna about whether to train a service dog from a puppy or starting out with an adult dog.

Should I get a puppy or a fully-matured dog for a service dog in-training?

My clients often ask; what is the best age for a dog to start training for a service dog?

Well, it depends…

If you are needing a mobility, or autism-support service dog, you will need a dog that will be about half of the patient’s weight when fully matured. For example, a 150-pound person will need a dog to mature at around 75-pounds. So, if you get a puppy you will need to be certain the dog will grow to fit your needs. If you are training a dog for hearing, diabetic-alert, or PTSD, a smaller, more agile dog, or a shelter rescue may be the answer.

After size is addressed, we need to figure out if the dog is physically fit for the job. What about hips? What about eyes? Short-snouted dogs should not be considered due to breathing issues during summer months.

Next we must consider the costs of upkeep such as grooming, training and veterinarian care. Do you have the extra funds needed for such expenses? A shorter-coated dog may be the most desirable in the South due to grooming and summertime heat. And with training from a puppy, it is going to take longer and cost more, of course.

And finally, should it be a puppy or a grown dog? If you are getting a puppy and you know the dog will meet the other requirements, then we will want to select a puppy no older than 13-weeks. Why? The socialization window closes about that time, so you will want to pick up your pupply at 8.5 weeks of age and expose your puppy to many sounds, sights people and places as safely as possible to do so. However, no dog parks or pet stores because your pup is not fully vaccinated until they are 16 weeks old. After the socialization window closes, you should use classical conditioning to introduce strange places, people and situations with your pup.

The advantage of selecting a two or three your old dog for the job is that you can see what they have become. You can train the obedience and tasks, but the reaction to noise, people and places will be somewhat set in stone. Selecting an older dog is really recommended if you select a shelter dog because we do not know the parents most of the time. Dogs purchased from breeders may not be any better than your luck at the shelter, though.

Either way, ask to spend some time with the dog or puppy you have selected before you commit to adopting or buying to get an idea if you will be able to train, care for and take your dog to places you need to go. Does your pup travel well? Does your pup react negatively to dogs, children, men, people, sunglasses, hats and people with odd gates? How about too much prey-drive? Will your dog be able to handle cats, other dogs, fast-moving kids or bikes?

And finally, nothing is perfect. Not all dogs will finish the program but they still may be able to serve the client at and around the home, and take short trips into stores in their local community.

All the best!!!

Donna Rogers
K-9 Capers Dog Training Academy
www.k9capersTraining.com

If you are a trauma survivor who struggles to cultivate healthy friendships, you are not alone! So many of us struggle or have struggled with not being able to recognize the red flags of toxicity. It can be a challenge to validate our own experiences and know when to walk away.

Once upon a time, I had a spiritual friendship that seemed healthy because of the personal growth I experienced early on. However, over time the other person displayed patterns of random withdrawal, passive aggressive gaslighting, manipulation and other toxic traits. Eventually, through doing HRV biofeedback, I recognized it for what it was and was able to back away and focus on healthier friendships.

If you’re in a friendship that involves a lot of ups and downs and you’re not sure if it’s healthy or not, see if one or more of these 12 signs of spiritually toxic friendships seems to fit the bill:

1. Saying “no” doesn’t work: Spiritually toxic friends do not respond well when people say “no” or disagree with them. They’ll either lash out, or go into covert manipulation mode and turn it into an issue of spiritual growth, often with a dose of Bible verses, a serving of concern, and a huge helping of prayer.
2. Double standards: Spiritually toxic friends say, believe or act as if there are two sets of rules: one for you and one for them. It’s okay for them to do certain things, but not for you. They can disappear randomly, but you can’t. They can decide to check out new interests, but you can’t, etc.
3. Gaslighting: Spiritually toxic friends will minimize, deny or spiritualize the hurt you feel as a result of their actions. They will either offer empty apologies or act innocent and like there is no problem, even though you’re so miserable you can hardly stand it. This causes you to question your sanity and feel it’s your fault.
4. Manipulation: Spiritually toxic friends are manipulative. They might engage in random patterns of withdrawal, love bombing, breaking promises, subtle guilt tripping, or trying to spiritually one-up you. Even if they don’t come right out and say it, you feel like you’re always the one in the wrong.
5. Patterns of unhealthy relating: Spiritually toxic friends respond to others with the same toxic behaviors, either publicly or secretly. They also tend to share the specifics of others’ stories or circumstances without their permission, in the name of prayer requests.
6. Inability to reciprocate: Spiritually toxic friends want to know everything about you and pray for you. They sometimes use this information against you later. When you think about it, you don’t know nearly as much about them and see patterns of them directing attention back to you if you ask for more information.
7. Isolation: You might notice that you have lost or let go of other significant relationships due to this friendship, especially if those people have different spiritual beliefs than the spiritually toxic friendship prescribes.
8. Lack of empathy: When spiritually toxic friends hurt you, they demonstrate no recognition or understanding about the level of pain you are in. Toxic people often use others as a source of narcissistic supply, rather than truly relating deeply.
9. Feeding on negativity: Spiritually toxic friends will often magically reappear from a period of withdrawal when you are in crisis. They get a high or sense of self from swooping in for these moments.
10. Spiritualizing: Spiritually toxic friends tend to spiritualize any struggles you are having. They say or imply these issues could be improved by more radically following Jesus, letting the Holy Spirit work in you more boldly, or keeping your eyes more on God. This makes your problems your own fault and lets them off the hook.
11. You feel used: Spiritually toxic friends will often use spirituality to hook others in for their own personal gain. This happens a lot in churches when someone wants to look like a savior, in direct sales organizations when they want to make sales, on social media when they want to be seen as the philanthropic ultra-loving type, and in many other situations. It can be confusing when everyone else seems to think this other person is the most remarkable person they’ve ever met, yet you feel used.
12. Cycles of Toxicity: Spiritually toxic friends can seem like the most incredible, caring and loving people you’ve ever met, at times. When they seem this way, you might feel crazy for being upset about the negative stuff, but you’re not. Indeed, these friends tend to operate with cycles of negative behavior and love bombing behavior.

When any of these traits of toxic friendships are at play in a relationship, you might find yourself feeling hurt, confused, ashamed, angry, fearful or sad. It might even feel like everything is caving in on you or you cannot cope. Please reach out for help and rest assured that you are not alone. Your pain is real and you don’t have to continue in a friendship that is not healthy. You do not need the other person’s permission to set boundaries, take a step back and choose something new.

Choosing something new can be exciting, but also scary. Lots of trauma survivors do not have a whole lot of experience with healthy spiritual friendships. Thankfully, we can learn what to look for in a healthy friend and then practice focusing on the relationships where we see these healthy traits. None of us are healthy 100% of the time, but a friendship is spiritually healthy when it fits this picture for the most part. Check out these 12 traits of healthy spiritual friendships:

1. Healthy boundaries: Healthy spiritual friendships recognize that each person is on their own spiritual journey and has needs, wants, desires and boundaries different from their own. Both people are able to set boundaries and have them respected in love instead of resentment or manipulation.
2. Clear communication: Healthy spiritual friendships create an atmosphere where it’s safe to communicate and where both people are committed to clear communication. This keeps anyone from guessing about what’s going on. It’s safe to ask, share and seek understanding.
3. Respect: Healthy spiritual friendships are characterized by respect. This means there is respect for each person’s needs, time, emotions, experience and individual spiritual journey.
4. Allowance for difference: Healthy spiritual friendships allow for difference of opinion, political views, body type, experience, family composition, spiritual views etc, etc, etc. Being different is okay, is not perceived as a threat, and is not seen as being wrong or deceived.
5. Connectedness: Healthy spiritual friendships encourage connectedness. This means that the other safe relationships in your life are better (not strained) because of this healthy spiritual relationship.
6. Amends and relational repair: People are not perfect and healthy spiritual friendships allow for safe communication about concerns. More than saying you’re sorry, you both change your unhealthy behaviors toward each other, when you recognize them. Ongoing cycles of hurt are not seen as acceptable.
7. Cultivating empathy and compassion: When you share what is happening in your life, or your concerns, the healthy spiritual friend empathizes with you, asks questions and is interested. They also share freely of their own experiences and allow themselves to be cared for by you. You both feel seen, heard, safe and validated.
8. Reliability: Healthy spiritual friends are generally true to their word. They show up, prioritize the friendship in similar ways, and do what they say they are going to do.
9. Honesty: Healthy spiritual friends are honest about their motives, feelings and desires. You believe that what you see is the real them.
10. Commitment: Healthy spiritual friendship is characterized by mutual commitment. You both value each other and the friendship enough to make it a priority.
11. Openness: Healthy spiritual friendship creates an atmosphere of openness. It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to explore different ways of thinking and doing things. Healthy spiritual friendship leaves room for your spiritual walk to blossom into just what it was meant to be. This openness can help us to feel affirmed, free and worthy.
12. Safety: You feel safe with a healthy spiritual friend. You know that what you share is held in confidence and that the other person truly has your best interests at heart. Healthy spiritual friends are there to help and not to hurt.

Finding and cultivating these healthy spiritual friendships is often vital to feeling truly fulfilled in life, yet it can sometimes be hard to know where to start. If you feel stuck, are struggling with a friendship, don’t really understand what you feel, or are wondering how to find and sow into new friendships, HRV biofeedback can help.

The Freeze Frame technique from HeartMath can help us tap into what we actually think, feel, and need. Once we know that, it’s easier to make healthier friendship choices moving forward. In my case, I was able to make choices about ending an unhealthy spiritual friendship that I had struggled with for a long time, and then recognize the friendships I wanted to focus on instead. Doing so gave me immediate relief and freedom, even as I grieved the loss of the other friendship.

You are worthy of techniques and tools that you can learn and then use for a lifetime. If you want to know more about how HRV biofeedback can help you navigate the waters of friendship, contact me today.

In the meantime, please know that you are lovable and worthy of healthy friendships. It’s not your fault if you are a trauma survivor who struggles in this area. Healing is possible and life-giving friendships are possible, too. You are worth it!

These days, social media seems to be inundated with “lifestyle” talk and it can be tempting to buy in, unless you know how to dig a bit deeper. There are so many resources out there about why lifestyles are usually diets and why they do not work. Here are some of the most pressing concerns I have about diets:

• Dieting reinforces body shame.
• 95 to 98 percent of diets fail.
• Dieting increases a person’s risk for eating disorders.
• Eating disorders are the most deadly mental illnesses according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).
• Dieting can be a form of trauma reenactment for trauma survivors.
• Dieting cycles can increase the risk for heart disease and metabolic issues.
• Dieting can lead to nutritional deficiencies.
• Dieting can cause muscle loss, decreased endurance, blood sugar instabilities, hair loss, dehydration, electrolyte imbalances and decreased oxygen utilization.
• Certain diets can be hard on the kidneys and heart.
• Diets cause problems with concentration and reduced reaction speeds.
• Dieting contributes to increased anxiety, stress, low self-worth and depression.
• Dieting willpower is actually restriction and restriction leads to binging.

Even more concerning, I’ve noticed a recent trend toward spiritualizing certain diets, as if they are endorsed by God. This can be very dangerous for trauma survivors, especially those who have survived spiritual trauma. It reinforces shame and perfectionism while ignoring grace. It also hijacks religion, spirituality, and faith in a way that makes it seem like it is God’s will to eat a certain way or take certain products. In reality, the program is not from God but is a way to further fuel the diet industry and prey on the vulnerabilities of people in faith communities who have been programmed by society to believe that certain bodies are better or more healthy than other bodies.

Whether it’s someone claiming that a certain way of eating is endorsed by God, or the direct sales representative claiming to have found the perfect new *lifestyle* or products to improve health, chances are very good: it’s a diet. It’s a diet even when they claim (and maybe especially so?) that it is not a diet, but a way of life or of better health.

Here are 21 things to look for if you are wondering if a particular “lifestyle,” product line, program, or Bible study is actually a diet:

1. Before and after pictures show weight loss but not weight gain.
2. Foods are categorized as being good or bad, off limits or allowed.
3. Weight gain is seen as bad or as a sign that you are not following the program.
4. Body diversity is absent in the plan’s leadership. Only certain body sizes and shapes are seen as healthy.
5. Weight loss is valued as an important outcome of the program, even if other outcomes are also listed.
6. You feel shame or like you have failed if you do not follow the program or eat something different than the plan prescribes.
7. Happiness is attached to thinness.
8. You imagine yourself in a completely different body in a few weeks, months, or years.
9. Words like “thin,” “slim,” “detox,” “fat burning,” “metabolism boosting,” “melt,” “fast,” or “sculpt” are part of the vocabulary of the program.
10. The program requires you to make major changes or overhauls.
11. Food groups are removed from your diet.
12. Perfectionism is a big part of the culture. Mistakes are seen as failures or are addressed by taking extra supplements, doing extra exercises or further restriction.
13. The program feels like punishment.
14. Feeling hungry is seen or felt as a moral or spiritual victory. Feeling full is bad.
15. You feel more powerful, spiritual, special, celebrated or loved when you avoid eating or fast.
16. It’s necessary to buy special supplements or foods.
17. You are replacing meals with liquids because you’re told to, not because you’re really craving that green smoothie or fresh juice.
18. You must follow certain meal plans or supplement regimens.
19. Accountability groups feel competitive in terms of results or how well participants are sticking to the plan.
20. You are made to feel crazy when you share any belief that the program is actually a diet. This is called gaslighting and most trauma survivors experienced it during childhood. This means it might feel familiar.
21. In faith based programs, you are made to feel that you don’t love God enough, haven’t prayed enough, or aren’t relying on God enough if you make a choice outside the plan. You see this as sin.

Your program does not need to include all of these signs in order to be a diet. One or two is all it takes and if there’s a nudge in your gut trying to tell you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t.

Before you jump into the diet you think you need to participate in so you can be more spiritual, healthier or have a better body, consider the risks and manipulation inherent in dieting and the whole diet industry. Then, ask yourself what you really think you will gain through the program, when you have the body or results you are going for. How is the version of you in that different body different from how you are are right now? Many people envision one or more of the following:

• Increased happiness
• Being able to wear certain things
• Fewer health concerns
• Living dreams
• Feeling less self conscious and more confident
• Increased sense of belonging and acceptance
• Ability to do things you cannot do now
• Feeling more attractive
• Being more successful
• Feeling more energetic
• Wearing new clothes
• Decreased anxiety, depression, or other mental health symptoms

Since dieting often results in the exact opposite of the above outcomes, is jumping into that program really the right thing for you? If you’re looking for mentally and physically healthy ways to improve your quality of life or achieve those goals without dieting, I recommend the following resources:

• The Donut Eating Dietician
• Green Mountain at Fox Run
• Association for Size Diversity and Health
• Health at Every Size Community
• Books by Lindo Bacon
• Joyn Joyful Movement
• Jeanette DePatie – Every Body Can Exercise
• Sophisticated Curves
• The Curvy Fashionista
• Peace With Food

If your desire to engage in dieting is rooted in trauma or you feel like you are stuck and repeating the same patterns over and over again, trauma recovery coaching can help. It is my honor and privilege to walk with people each and everyday as they explore how to move forward in freedom, healing and empowerment. For more information, contact me today so we can talk about your needs and what modalities or approaches might be a good fit.

In the meantime, know that you are enough just as you are, even if you never change a thing. Know that you are worthy, valued, valuable, lovable, and just as incredible as every other person. You get to exist, take up space and enjoy life in the body you currently have, no matter what anyone else has said about it it in the past. All bodies are good bodies. That means that your body is a good body. You, my friend, are remarkable. Truth.

Every now and then, something in life comes along that is so good that I want to wrap it up in pretty paper with a big iridescent bow on top and give it away to everyone I meet. Neurofeedback is one of those things. Ever since I experienced the strength and joy that came from my brain choosing and owning a new style of functioning, it became easier to enjoy the moment, face fears, overcome obstacles, live my dreams, cope with big emotions and thrive.

After my experience with neurofeedback, I felt God nudging me to head in that direction professionally. But, where would the money come from? How could I possibly leave my family for 10-days and fly across the country with a giant white service dog? Would she sit still during 10-hour training days? What if I got there and wasn’t any good at it? Is my brain truly cut out for neuroscience?

Even though those questions and doubts were there, they weren’t in the driver’s seat anymore, thanks to neurofeedback. Instead of being loud foghorns, they were more like faint background chatter that distracted me without derailing me. I could still choose to move forward with my dreams, and that’s just what I did.

In June of 2019, I found out that I had been selected as a winner of Birchbox’s Future Starts Now Fund. Their $5,000 award would be enough to cover the cost of the Othmer neurofeedback course I needed to attend in order to prepare to serve clients through neurofeedback.

So, it was official. I was going to California and it was time to prepare. I knew I needed to get several things in order:

• Training plan for service dog
• Plan for my own mental health
• Financial plans, in case of emergency
• Childcare details
• Study time
• Flight, hotel and rental car arrangements
• Plans for fun time outside of training.

It was in planning for these things that the anxiety of my own doubts began to quiet even further and I was able to move forward.

Now that I’ve been back from California for a few weeks and I’m gathering funds to purchase my own neurofeedback equipment, I thought I’d share three ways I faced my fears and went after my dreams, in hopes that these things might help some of you, too.

#1: Acknowledge Your Fears and Doubts

Our fears and doubts have a way of popping up whether we want them to or not, sometimes loudly and sometimes softly. One thing about fears and doubts is this: they don’t get softer when we ignore them. Nope. They get louder. No matter how much we might want to push them to the side and put our confident and unshakable face on, until we acknowledge those fears and doubts, they tend to take up more and more mental space.

So, grab a pen or sit face-to-face with a safe person in your life and just get honest about what your fears and doubts actually are. It’s okay. You are allowed to have them. Feeling fearful or uncertain doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do something or that there’s something wrong with you. It simply means that you are a human being doing or considering something new. Go you!

#2: Make a Plan

Just like our doubts and fears begin to lose their grip when we acknowledge them in a healthy way, they lose even more ground when we craft plans that address them. Try looking at your list of fears. Financial fears? Try a financial plan. Safety fears? Increase your safety or self defense skills. Fears about unworthiness? Write out positive truths about yourself and reflect on them. Mental or physical health concerns? Work with your physician or mental health professional. You get the idea– whatever your concerns, fears and doubts might be, address them with a concrete plan.

Having a concrete plan means more than having a vague mental idea about how you might address a concern. It means writing it down, scheduling each little step and action on your calendar and then following through.

One major component of a successful plan is celebrating every single little baby step you take along the way. Make it to your doctor’s appointment? Celebrate! Attend a self-defense class? Celebrate! Work with the service dog trainer? Celebrate! Say your affirmations? Celebrate! You are worthy of celebration.

Having a concrete plan also means being flexible and having grace for yourself. Your plan will need to change as you go. Maybe a financial responsibility comes up that changes how quickly you can save funds. An illness might cause you to miss a therapy session. Maybe it’s going to take twice as long as you thought to learn a certain skill or concept. That is okay and normal! It is proof that you are walking forward with strength and courage. You get to make mistakes and change the plan as you go.

#3 Gather a Team

When we’re overcoming fears and chasing our dreams, it means that we are probably doing new things with great frequency. Don’t try to go it alone. Your doubts and fears are likely to grow and become louder in an environment of isolation. Instead, craft a team of folks that can help you get where you are going and remind you of how far you have already come.

Finding people we trust enough to let them help us can be a real challenge for trauma survivors. Not to mention, truly trauma informed professionals can be few and far between. Maybe consider joining a group, attending daily calls with other survivors, working with a coach, etc. If you’re training a service dog, work with a professional service dog trainer. If you need help with finances, consult a book, professional or support group that resonates with you. Make an appointment to have coffee with a friend once a week. You are worthy of a support system!

Remember that other tools can be part of a support system, too. For instance, maybe HeartMath is helpful for you or you really enjoy Abide Christian meditations. Happify might help you keep a more positive outlook and remember the good things in life. Perhaps you’re a kid at heart and Mightier is more your speed, or you like body positive enjoyable movement from an app like Joyn. Whatever feeds your soul and gives you support can be part of your support team.

BONUS: Remember to Have Fun

While you’re on this big and exciting journey of overcoming fears and chasing your dreams, remember to have a bit of fun along the way. My therapist advised me to plan for seven fun things to look forward to on travel days, like eating in a certain restaurant, reading a certain book or relaxing in a certain place. I also chose to plan other fun outings during my stay in California, like hiking, going to the beach, visiting Hollywood and going to Disneyland.

You are worthy of that same fun, too! Brainstorm ways to have fun and when those fears begin to creep in, focus on the fun things you have planned instead. Think about what you want to see when you go to that amusement park. Pull up the menu for the special restaurant. Find out about any seasonal happenings. Ask other hikers for tips on their favorite trails for a good view.

Over the past several years, I have developed a morning routine for trauma recovery that sets me up for success. While I used to think I was a night owl and slept late in the morning, now early mornings have become my best friend and my favorite part of the day.

I love how a positive morning routine gives me a cushion of resiliency in the face of C-PTSD and day-to-day life. My morning routine has made it possible for me to do things like enjoy a career, take care of myself before trying to care for my kids, make it to neurofeedback appointments, therapy appointments, homeschool activities and more.

Over time, my morning routine has evolved and changed with my needs, but I have gradually implemented these 10 elements into the flow of my mornings. If you want to give this a whirl, I recommend adding one thing every month or two. It takes the brain 21 days to develop a new habit and another week or so for the new habit to feel enjoyable. If we try to implement too many new things at once, it can be disastrous.

Without further ado, I bring you 10 tips designed to help you enjoy your mornings more and set your days up for success:

1. Start Early: I used to hate getting up early in the morning because I was not getting to bed early enough at night. I have since grown to love early mornings because the rest of the house is quiet and I have time and space to care for myself before caring for the kids or starting my work day. The other elements of my morning routine would be impossible without getting up before the little ones. I began the habit of early mornings by simply setting my alarm and getting out of bed with tired eyes, even though I did not feel like it. This helped my body’s rhythms to reset so that I was naturally able to go to sleep earlier at night after a few days. Within a few weeks, I started looking forward to waking up and my body’s circadian rhythms adjusted to expect it.
2. Nourishment: It is much more enjoyable to get out of bed early in the morning when I have a delicious and enjoyable breakfast to look forward to. I need to eat soon after I get out of bed because I take several natural supplements that must be taken on a full stomach. When I began this routine several years ago, I enjoyed eggs with veggies for breakfast every morning. The last couple of years, I have switched to having a green smoothie instead. If eggs or smoothies aren’t your thing, follow your body’s cues about what sounds good to you, as well as your hunger and satiety signals. I follow breakfast with a large glass of water and I avoid caffeine like the plague because of how it taxes the adrenals. My adrenals are taxed enough from years of trauma responses, so I try to avoid things that add to that now.
3. Peace and Quiet: As a homeschooling mom and trauma-sensitive practitioner, my days are spent interacting with others. Our home is full of joy but it is anything but quiet. First thing in the morning, I find it helpful to savor the quiet through some heart-centered breathing using a HeartMath emwave2 device. When I do HRV biofeedback at home with this device, I feel overwhelming appreciation that bubbles into the rest of my day. Before I knew about HeartMath, I would simply breathe deeply and enjoy the sunrise, which was also relaxing, refueling and enjoyable.
4. Awareness: After I enjoy a bit of silence, my head clears so that I can actually hear myself think. I pray and ask God to show me what God wants for my day. Typically, as I listen in the silence a few things end up on my heart that have to do with self care, my professional life  and/or my family. I set a timer for two minutes and write down what feels most pressing, as well as my emotions. I also check in with myself to see where my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual reserves are. When I become aware of what kind of condition I am in as the day begins, it gives me the opportunity to shore up my reserves a bit, or to pare down my day, when needed.
5. Gratitude: It is healthy for body, mind and spirit to focus on what we are thankful for. When I intentionally write down what I am thankful for first thing in the morning, it teaches and trains my brain to look for those things in the rest of the day. It takes the brain time to develop new neural pathways more prone to gratitude, so it might also take time for gratitude lists to feel authentic. It is okay to start where you are. I also went through neurofeedback that helped this process along greatly.
6. Inspiration: I like to focus on helpful things and inspiration first thing in the morning. I start with a morning meditation and then move on to some inspiring reading. I like to underline passages or phrases that strike me and even make cute word images on my phone. I often jot notes in the margins or write in my journal about what hits home.
7. Writing: Typically, by the time I have spent time reading and listening to things that are inspirational, I have some thoughts or emotions that I want to write down and process. I keep a journal and will hand write those things, as well as any affirmations I want to focus on for the day. I am also writing a book, so at this point I might even incorporate some of what I learned for the day into a chapter I am writing, or jot it down on my writer’s layout to be included in a future chapter.
8. Enjoyable Movement: While C-PTSD and trauma responses in general cause our bodies to enter into a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response that releases adrenaline and cortisol, enjoyable movement has the opposite effect. When we get our heart rates up doing something we love, our bodies release serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin. These incredible feel-good hormones help repair the damage caused by toxic stress and trauma. Plus, there’s nothing like the feeling of accomplishment in being active first thing in the morning. My preferences are hiking, gardening and Qi Gong, but you can do anything that feels enjoyable physically and spiritually for you. Remember to consult your healthcare professionals before incorporating new movement.
9. Routines: For years, I struggled with keeping up with the laundry, making the bed and keeping my bathroom tidy. It sounds so basic, but it truly eluded me. I learned that when I make a routine out of doing those things as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, they get done before I’m even fully awake enough to realize I am doing them. Plus, there is something really enjoyable about the smell of natural bathroom cleaner and the sound of the washing machine first thing in the morning. My routines are ways of automating the things that need to be done so that they don’t require my mental and emotional attention the rest of the day. Routines are self-care.
10. Regulation: All of my morning tips boil down to one thing: nervous system regulation. People with early childhood trauma tend to develop their nervous systems differently than people who experience stability and secure attachment. Our bodies are hardwired to default to a sympathetic nervous system response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) and it takes time to teach our bodies how to live in a calmer, more parasympathetically balanced state. As you are crafting your own morning routines and rituals, pay attention to how you feel and how your body responds. The right routine will be calming, centering, yet energizing and empowering. You are allowed to change, alter, get rid of, or add to any routine in order for it to best serve your needs.